So it's been a while since I've done a diary entry; I've been swamped with work and struggling to transition to life and the difficult times arriving due to the pandemic of the Coronavirus (COVID-19). As my usual readers will know, I have been posting about dealing with mental health issues arising from lockdown (here) and COVID-19 more generally (here). This is amongst other posts that I have been doing. Owing to the interest in my previous diary entries, I decided to continue with the diary of daily experiences and change things up a little. As you'll know by now, the majority of the posts on 'A Mind Alley' have been objective. I'll admit from the very start that I'm not getting used to writing this diary: it's a lot more difficult than one first imagines, especially when deciding on what to include (or not to include) and how often to do said diary posts. On top of that, it's also quite daunting to put your thoughts, feelings and experiences into a public domain. I do hope though, that this will help facilitate conversation on mental health and in turn, help others. Instead of doing things in a chronological order in this post (as I have done in the past), I've decided to organise by concepts instead, and have put a bit of advice in each section which I hope will be of assistance.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone, what doesn't kill you makes a fighter." - Kelly Clarkson (Stronger)
Generally speaking, I've become a lot more reflective since the lockdown first started here in the UK. One thing in particular that I have learn is life is not a sprint; it is a marathon. On top of that, it's not competitive: we all have different journeys whereby different milestones are achieved or unfold at varying times.
Therapy
As I've made quite public, I have been undertaking Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) on a 1-1 basis. I started the process during my Masters' Degree studies at University College London (UCL). More recently, I self-referred to Inclusion Thurrock. I registered before Christmas, did a short introductory course during January, had an assessment in February and then fully began in April. I've been having sessions over the phone with my therapist once a week. I'll admit, it's a bit strange having therapy over the phone as opposed to being in a neutral space as per my time at UCL, but it really is helpful. I've started to notice a few changes in my thinking, namely that I'm catching a negative thought process or a 'thinking trap' as I'm going through them. Whilst I'm not always able to stop them fully developing at the moment, this recognition and having some success in getting out of those ruts is encouraging. My advice for anyone doing therapy is this: be patient. It will not be an overnight fix; the thought process in question is usually engrained into our minds. It takes time to dislodge that. The small steps may not feel like they are important, but trust me, they really do.
Part of my therapy routine includes working online via a platform called "SilverCloud'. Through SilverCloud, I've enrolled in online modules which have been very helpful. Some of these modules are rather introductory, but provide a crucial platform to build your understanding on. As you progress, you're asked to identify your own thinking patterns by including triggers, 'hot thoughts' and many other things. I know this sounds really basic, but having a diagram of your troublesome thought process (or in my case, thought processes) is quite relieving; instead of having the thoughts flying around in your head, you're able to see it all condensed onto a sheet of paper. From there, you're able to start building in escape routes from these traps. The benefit of this platform is that I've been given complete control over it: I am able to take my therapy piece by piece and at my own pace. I find that tying it in with my weekly CBT sessions really handy.
I have to say, Inclusion Thurrock are a fantastic service. Anyone reading this, who is located in Thurrock, Essex, may wish to consider using them as a means to understanding your mental health issues and how to get through them.
Work
Since April, and like many people, my workload has suffered a bit of a change due to the lockdown and the need to prevent the spread of COVID-19. I used to be in court every day I was available (although as many of you know, I take at least one day off per week to focus on my mental health/therapy and to recharge). However, since the pandemic, I am now down to one or two cases a week. Whilst this has been a major decrease, I feel very lucky to still be working and earning my own money. However, this isn't wholly positive as I immediately thought it would be. I've actually found my anxiety has mutated somewhat, partly due to the new issues that face the court system in the face of the lockdown. I have negative thoughts regarding: issues of technology, not being able to see the judge face to face (unless using Skype - this is important as you can tell whether they're on your side or if you need to change your approach) and whether important documents have arrived at court on time because of the altered workload of court staff/the postal service. I feel that this has had an impact on a lot of people who are now working from home: worries that technology will somehow not cope or will start to play up. I think there is also something in having human contact every day. This has imposed a new set of challenges which did cause problems to start with. Whilst these teething issues have started to subside, I have found myself particularly worried about technology failing and this coming back to haunt me. The thoughts seem to be recurring with every case, but as soon as I'm on the call with the judge in question, the concerns fade and I can get down to business and do what I do best: fight for my client. I think, given time, I'll be able to address these concerns fully. For the time being, they're an apt talking point during my therapy sessions.
The above concerns have also found themselves in a slightly different part of my career: the pursuit of pupillage. I'm thankful that I had interviews this year (an accomplishment in itself for most candidates) because they provided me with something to do. Owing to the lockdown, many Chambers have been recruiting via Zoom conference calls. On top of this, many Chambers have decided to suspend any recruitment, meaning that all of the applications made by candidates were for nothing. This has again, compounded the stress that is already involved in the process: pupillage is very hard to obtain (we're talking about 300 people applying for just 2 places) and having worries over technology or whether a Chambers will actually commit to seeing through the recruitment cycle can really hinder your performance. I had a horror story in a second round interview whereby one of the panel lost their microphone connection mid-question. Whilst I appreciate this had nothing to do with me, it did induce some panic: what happened if this is me next and the technology ruined my chances? Thankfully, there were no issues. I had some good news: I got reserve listed (for the second time in three years - it basically means that if anyone drops out, I'd be up for pupillage). Unfortunately, that then meant that I was at the mercy of other candidates rejecting offers, which didn't happen. Overall though, this has given me the impetus to keep going. It's not a matter of if I get pupillage, but when.
Reading
At the start of the year, I made a list of 11 new year's resolutions. Number 5 on that list was simply to "read more". I'm actually really glad that I've stuck with this; it's had a huge impact. I restarted with my casual reading after my Masters' finished. Recently, I've read: "The Trial" (by Franz Kafka), "1984" and "Animal Farm" (both by George Orwell), "Of Mice & Men" (by John Steinbeck) and most recently "The Three Musketeers" (by Alexandre Dumas).
I've tried to expand my reading; having previously stuck to the more classical pieces, I've started to dabble in anxiety and depression related pieces in an attempt to better understand my mind. Those books have been recommended by my therapist and I've found them really helpful. At the time of writing, I'm currently reading 5 books:
"The Catcher In the Rye" (By J.D. Salinger)
"The Idiot" (By Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
"To Kill A Mockingbird" (By Harper Lee)
"A Confederacy Of Dunces" (By John Kennedy Toole)
"The Chimp Paradox" (By Prof. Steve Peters) - this last one was a recommendation from my therapist; it does quite well to break down the way in which the mind works and present it in an accessible manner.
I've found reading useful for a number of reasons. I guess the first thing is that it offers an escape from what we're currently experiencing in the world; sitting down and getting lost in the story and the adventure(s) of the characters provides a welcome release. I also find a significant intellectual stimulation from reading these types of books; they're usually open to a few interpretations and one can form their own views on the author's intent. Building on that last point, I also find researching the books after reading a certain chunk of the book (and making sure I avoid spoilers) on the internet. I find sources like Sparknotes, York Notes and Cliffsnotes really good starting points to contextualise the plot and themes that the author is exploring. This, in turn, makes me want to read more about the given topic: for example, in Orwell's "Animal Farm", he makes constant references to Communism vs Capitalism. This conflict and the Cold War era makes for interesting reading more generally. The final thing that I like about reading is that you can take it at your own pace: by doing it in manageable chunks, it personally gives me something to look forward to. It therefore doesn't feel rushed.
Home
Since lockdown began, and like many other people, I struggled with how to use my time effectively. Whilst I was in court some days by way of either conference call or Skype call, it was far from every day owing to the reduction in capacity of the court system. Because of this, I found it useful to give myself tasks to do throughout the week. This then mutated into weekly 'To Do' lists. I've been doing them every week since April as a checklist note on my MacBook. If you haven't already tried this, I would recommend giving it a go; it provides structure for the week coming up so that you're never really sitting there twiddling your thumbs, wondering what to do with yourself. On top of that, you're of course able to add more things as you go along. There is definitely something satisfying about ticking a subject off (or crossing it out) and seeing it move to the bottom of the list.When the end of the week comes, it's a really rewarding feeling when you sit there and realise just how much you've done in the given week. I've also managed to employ these 'To Do' lists in a way that allows me to make time for self-care. For example, I have alternate days between going for a walk or meditating.
The second thing that I've done is changing my environment. Throughout May and June, I did what most people appear to have done during the lockdown: take stock and have a clear out. I've done this thanks to my sister, and we've been responsible with it: utilising sell bays on social media to either sell or give things away, making the most of recycling regimes, assisting charities, and as an absolutely final option, using landfill. My room has been rearranged significantly. I did it bit by bit and it was really rewarding to see how things have come together on this little project. As a result, I've managed to: add a brand new bookcase to replace my old one (for my growing collection), buy a new flatscreen TV, introduced some snake plants (which are recommended because unlike most houseplants, snake plants continue to produce oxygen all night long and have a remarkable ability to remove toxic air pollutants, therefore helping with allergies!) and moved my gaming stuff into my room. There's a saying which suggests a clearer room allows for clearer thoughts; I've certainly found altering the layout and ergonomics of my room have been helpful.
Whilst I've had some issues with technology in terms of work, it has been extremely useful in a personal capacity. The reduction in human contact has been tackled by things such as: Zoom, FaceTime and WhatsApp Video. I have weekly calls with either my closest friends from home, my work friends or friends from the Bar exams. On top of this, I've actually utilised Zoom to host dates with my partner! If you're struggling for contact with people, I would absolutely urge you to use these applications so that you're able to see and speak to someone you know. I know it's not the same as in-person conversation, but for the present time, it will have to suffice for us all: we have to keep strong and keep going.
The last change I've made at home is meal planning. I've written previously on how your diet can have an impact on your mental health (here). As I'm still at home with my parents, we sit down once a week and plan the menu for the week ahead. By doing this, you're able to provide a lot of structure to your eating habits. Instead of having days where you don't know what you feel like having for dinner, the issue is completely removed as you've planned ahead and set a menu. In turn, this reduces (and for me personally, neutralises) any temptation to do something quick or to order in. I also thoroughly enjoy cooking, so this has given me licence to go and try new things in the kitchen. So far I've been able to tinker with dishes that I like to make such as: paella, chicken chasseur, paprika pork, peri-peri chicken, various stir fries, and enchiladas.
Final Word
Finally, I need you to remember something important: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world. Be the difference.
Until next time, take care of yourselves,
J x