It has certainly been a while since I've posted. I guess life has been quite hectic since September 2021 with the job (which is now finished so it's full steam ahead for October!) and more general matters. I know I've neglected this blog but the aim is, now that I have some time, to work a routine out whereby I can commit to this fully. My next post is going to be revisiting money struggles and how that can have an impact on mental health, as well as the resources that are available to those who are struggling. I think this is very topical given the current economic climate in which we find ourselves.
I have to say, this post feels a bit like deja vu; it is a sunny afternoon in Essex and I'm sat here drinking coffee, working away on my MacBook. I'm the typical millennial, I know. I mean, what kind of nutcase sits there and just drinks coffee in a coffee shop these days?
"I understand about indecision, but I don't care if I get behind, people livin' in competition, all I want is to have my peace of mind" - Boston (Peace Of Mind)
Now I come to think of it, so much has happened (personally and professionally) that I can't even begin to explain it all without the post turning into a monologue. I guess the salient points for the purposes of this blog are these: I'm back on the anti-depressants for the foreseeable future (I actually relapsed in November/December but my goal remains to come off of them) and I'm back in therapy. If I had to narrow it down, I think the catalyst was the sudden loss in the family, and then the growing stress of next steps career-wise. I found that I had started to withdraw socially (for example, there was a period of 6 months where I didn't play football) but I'm glad to say that I have started to fix this.
For a lot of you that follow me on my socials, neither of them are real headliners nor are they breaking news; I've been quite open about my mental health because I think it is so important for the conversation to become normal. I've found that by opening up about my own struggles, other people have felt comfortable in speaking to me about their own. I do feel honoured that people trust me enough to confide in me, and I'd like to reiterate at this point, my door is always open if you do need a chat. I will also reiterate that if there are any requests for articles, please do let me know.
I've previously written about therapy (here) and the resurgence of depression (here) and don't intend to repeat the contents of those posts. However, they may help with some context as to my discussion below.
Therapy
Before I dive into this bit, it might be helpful to have a little more information about therapy. Therapy, like human beings, comes in an array of different forms. The processes of therapy are constantly being refined too. The reason for the different types of therapy is clear: it is because we are all built slightly differently and we respond to different techniques with differing levels of effectiveness. We also have different goals when it comes to therapy.
There is a really useful NHS page on the different types of therapy, which you can find here. I've also tracked down a useful page from my local provider, who has listed the types of therapy on offer, here. Whilst I don't propose to go through the types of therapy in this post, I would strongly recommend having a look at both links so you can get a better understanding of what is out there. As many of you know, I'm a big fan of the dissemination of information to the public.
For me, this is my third time in therapy. Again, I'm doing Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) which is a 1-1 talking therapy, and the aim to help explore (and change our perceptions of) our lives. It is also used to essentially break out from unhelpful patterns of behaviour; in my case: the catastrophising, negative haze on everything and generally feeling down in the dumps. I had my first session in July 2022 with Jennifer, my new therapist and basically laid out everything. This included all of my notes from my last two therapists and my own homework/mind maps. Safe to say, she's been bombarded from the start and it makes me think of this well known meme:
Now I know what you're thinking: "Jake, three times? Surely you need to change something here." Usually, I'd be inclined to agree. However, this time, it genuinely is different. This is for three reasons. Firstly, it feels different. As I'm writing this post, I feel like a seasoned veteran compared to the terrified LLM student who went in for his first session all those years ago. I know what to expect, and I know I have to go for the jugular here. Secondly, but most importantly, this cycle of therapy is different in nature. It is not reactive; it is proactive. This time, I am not using therapy after something has gone disastrously wrong; I know that there are wobbles that I have which need to be addressed but they haven't bitten yet. At the moment, I am in a transition of change and there isn't a lot of certainty; that's one of the things that I need to get to grips with and hence why I'm back in therapy. Finally, this time I get to choose my own therapist. Typically, you are assigned a therapist (if you use the NHS or charities) and then you're very much at the mercy of the hope that the dynamic is right. This time I've gone with a private provider. I'll also say now that my previous therapists have been amazing (they truly have) but I think this additional ability to select helps me do things on my terms. I had a large range of therapists to pick from. I admit that I had a bit of help (I managed to narrow it down to three exceptional therapists but essentially spent an entire weekend deciding) in selecting Jennifer.
I'd also like to dispel a myth around therapy at this point; it isn't a sign of weakness, failing or taking a step back. To admit that something is wrong and that you need help is actually a sign of strength; it shows you acknowledge your limits and there is no need to continue a facade. I know it can be scary to talk about this stuff (trust me, I know!) but it is well worth it in the long run. The analogy that I always make is this: going into therapy is actually a step to the side. This is because you see an obstacle in front of you that you can't pass at this moment in time. This happens to everyone. You can't burrow underneath it and you can't scale over it without a risk of falling off. However, by taking the step to the side (i.e. therapy), you get to walk past the problem and see it from every angle; this helps you identify issues in the future and to find alternative routes around them. To sum up, at the moment, I've found an obstruction; I want to get a better look at the situation for future reference so I can deal with it adequately.
Overall though, I'm proud of my progress. This time, I recognised the problem before it became an issue; I took the lead and that is a massive improvement from previous times. I feel comfortable in my own skin and with who I am as a person; each obstacle that presents itself is something I will overcome. My limitations and mistakes don't define me. The same applies to you.
I ask you to remember something important: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world. Be the difference.
Until next time, take care of yourselves,
Jake