It's a Thursday afternoon, I'm sat here drinking coffee in Starbucks working away on my MacBook (being the typical millennial that I am) and watching the world go by. I realised that it's been a some time since I posted on this blog. Now I come to think of it, so much has happened (personally and professionally) that I can't even begin to explain it all without the post turning into a monologue. Thankfully, I did an update back in May (see here) of everything given that we were coming out of lockdown, so do feel free to read there if you are struggling with the transition into the new normal. This post is more about how I'm feeling about myself on a day to day basis at this moment in time.
"Every day I'm just surviving, keep climbing the mountain. Even when I feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain" - Three Days Grace (The Mountain)
I'll stick to the important point for this blog though. For those of you who don't know, I'll start with a grand reveal: I'm completely free and off of the anti-depressants, and have been since July! It was a hard process over the 4 years that I had been on them, what with going through therapy and having a multitude of setbacks. That said, I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns, being true to myself and pulling myself back into the light. Of course, that doesn’t mean that anxiety and depression disappear. It means that I can cope. I can beat them, even on the crappy days. It’s a lifetime battle against your own mind, remember that. That said, I'll be continuing with the blog and talking about my experiences, just because so many people have opened up to me over the course of this project. To those of you who have opened up to me, thank you for your trust. You're all doing an amazing job and it is fantastic to see so many of you not only acknowledging there are problems, but looking them in the face and taking them head on. I am so proud of you!
I have to say, since coming off of the anti-depressants, I feel like I've been in the best mindset and space mentally, as well as being the most comfortable in my own skin that I have ever been. It's funny because people have always said to me that "positivity attracts positivity" and I never really bought into that. Until now. Well, in some ways.
I've been doing a lot of inward reflection over the course of 2021, which is usual for me. That said, this time has been different. This time, I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone and to be the best person that I can possibly be. Of course, that means sometimes accepting a few hard truths and knowing your limits. Nobody likes to acknowledge that they have their limits, but there's some kind of relief in having that sense of self-awareness and acceptance of the situation. So on that note, I wanted to talk about self-acceptance. I've previously blogged on the topic (albeit in 2019), viewable here, so please treat this one as an extension to that piece.
The first thing I need to reiterate is that we need to accept that we have flaws. Nobody is perfect. Some of us have mental health issues. Some of us have insecurities. Some of us aren't great at sport. That's normal. It's nothing to be ashamed of. That is simply down to human nature. The denying of their existence does not help in the long run, and can actually lead to a situation where things essentially boil over.
Once we've accepted that we have flaws, it is essential to remember that they can be addressed. Remember though, that starts with accepting there is a problem to start with. You can't address a problem if you don't accept it as a problem. If we apply this to depression, just for an example, then self-acceptance in that context would not be resignation to it and letting depression win; it is the act of letting go of things we cannot control. In all honesty, we can't control depression. We can, however, understand it and manage it so that the impact on day to day lives is minimal. This idea can be transplanted into things such as anxiety etc too.
What is 'Self-Acceptance'?
For the purposes of this post, I will be adopting the following definition of self-acceptance (taken from the Marisa Peer, here): "the complete acceptance of oneself, of both your positive and negative traits."
As we can see, this definition is wide. It'll stretch to include things such as: body acceptance, self-protection from negative criticism, and believing in one’s capacities. As usual, do remember that this post is a general template in nature. We're all different people with different triggers, experiences, understandings and ways of learning/coping.
You're probably thinking at this point "Jake, what does this have to do with depression or anxiety?". A very good question indeed. As we've seen from our own experiences, it is common for individuals to be self-conscious. This, when triggered, can manifest itself in the form of an anxiety attack or worse, a breakdown.
Self-acceptance can be used to challenge negative thoughts by breaking out of those neurological cycles we often find ourselves in. If we are able to accept the existence of these thoughts, and the fact we can't do anything to change them, they are given less power over us. They can't hurt us as much. The reason for this is simple: we know the nature of these thoughts, and we know that they aren't true or logical. In the long run, this can lead to a change in perception and response to anxiety-inducing thoughts..
Below are just some of my more recent experiences, just to showcase and to provide examples more than anything else.
My Experiences
For me, self-acceptance has singlehandedly been one of, if not THE, biggest issue I have had to battle with. It became quite clear during my time in therapy that there is some deeply ingrained 'inadequacy' complex in my thought processes. As many of you know, in the past, I made the joke about being from Essex first simply to stop others getting the shot in first. That said, I continue the jokes. The motive, however, is much different: I now own it and amuse both myself and others with it because I know that it doesn't define me.
In my experience, I've needed to work on (and continue to work on) accepting myself in both the work and personal environment.
Professional
Starting with my professional background; as many of you know by now, I am in the legal profession. This has all sorts of preconceptions attached to it, most of which I simply don’t match up with at all.
For example, I haven't: studied at Harvard, Oxford or Cambridge, come from a middle-class background, or developed an accent whereby I speak in RP ("Received Pronunciation" or "the Queen's English"). I’ll be honest, these preconceptions have played on my mind, and have caused a number of meltdowns over the past.
Previously, I had started to challenge these thought processes by reminding myself that I am just as good as any other lawyer and I have reached my current position on merit and ability alone. I've also had to remind myself that I outperform opponents in court and have a success rate which I'm very proud of. The thing was, the moment something bad happened, or things didn’t go my way, I’d spiral back into this “I’m not good enough” mindset.
Fast forward to this year. Not anymore. I realised that I bring to the table my own set of skills, experiences and perceptions. I don’t have to fit that mould in order to be successful. This year, during the pupillage process, I effectively owned it. I wore it with pride as being something that makes me unique and that come hell or high water, I was going to be successful. My background is irrelevant to my ability. If things don’t go my way, so what, I’ll make it another way. Once I realised that, I felt unshackled and released. The result? 5 final round interviews (one at my dream set and an elite Public Law Barristers Chambers). I obtained pupillage this year. I’ll be a Judicial Assistant in the Court of Appeal next month. I'm on the way to the pinnacle of my career; the only person holding me back from that was me.
Personal
This one is a biggie for me, and you’re now starting to see into my psyche. It was the central concept of my stint in therapy. I'll be completely honest, there are some days (thankfully not many these days) I struggle with this still. I’ve been working on this since 2019, and I just need to reiterate that nobody will ever get this down perfectly to a point where nothing affects them. As I say, this is still very much a work in progress, but I'm making steps, and that's good enough for me: some progress is still progress.
It had an impact on so many things in my life, from relationships through to sporting commitments and studies. It can range from things such as: not being smart enough, not being good looking, not being skilled, and not being talented. You get the idea, right? I cannot count the amount of times that I've had some form of anxiety attack right before an exam, sporting commitment or a social event. One example that'll stick in my mind is a football game back in 2016 I think it was, where I basically had to detach myself from the team because I was on the verge of being ill from nerves.
The difference with me now is, having gone through the motions in the past, is to accept that something may happen and that’s beyond my control. Maybe I make a mistake in a football match. Maybe I get an answer wrong on an exam. Maybe I accidentally spill a drink over my date (whilst this hasn’t happened yet, I feel I've now jinxed it…). That’s fine. That’s life. I just need to do my best and see where the situation takes me, right? I can learn from my mistakes and highlight the positives. For some things, it can be something as small as turning up, saying something or getting out of bed in the morning; the fact I'm engaging with something is a positive in itself.
The result so far: fewer panic attacks. It’s funny because I genuinely can’t tell you the last time I had an anxiety attack. Don’t get me wrong, I get nervous (which is completely normal) but nowhere near to the point that it breaks me. It probably was around pupillage interview time in all honesty.
How do you tackle issues of self-acceptance?
So for me there are two really good ways of addressing this.
The first, which I appreciate is much easier said than done, is to be proud of who you are. Bit of a cop out answer too, I know but hear me out on this: many people have an inner critic, which they wrongly equate with their 'voice of reason'. As a result, people think their inner critic is simply speaking the truth. I accept that I fell (and sometimes still do fall) into this category. It is important to recognise and accept what you are not good at, but you do need to remember what you can do well There’s this idea banded around called "self-regulation". This is essentially the changing of perceptions within your thought processes: challenge your negative thoughts and applying a positive spin on them. A handy trick I would recommend is making a note of a positive in a negative situation, and to continue to do that. Over time, you will rewire your brain to notice both the negatives and the positives, without the need to self-loathe.
A second approach is that of self-transcendence. This sounds really meta I know but stay with me. The idea is to rely less on things outside of yourself to define you, such as material things. You can achieve this by contributing to work, family, or the community at large.
J's Final Word
Overall though, after such a long journey, I'm proud of my progress. I feel comfortable in my own skin and with who I am as a person. My limitations and mistakes don't define me. The same applies to you. I need you to remember something important: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world. Be the difference.
Until next time, take care of yourselves,
J x