Calling An Audible (Diary Entry: November & December)

It's been a while since I've posted to A Mind Alley, mainly because of work and other commitments. Before I start, let me provide some context behind the title of this post:

Audible (American Football): "A change of playing tactics called by the quarterback at the line of scrimmage."

I think this is a good analogy for life; things can change last minute when you notice something that was not originally expected. I've recently made a big call in my own life, which I'm just going to be open about: I'm going back into therapy. There. I said it. It's in the open now. I think the writing has been on the wall for some time, and it was a matter of 'when' not 'if'. I'll be brutally honest: recently, I've 'lost' too often against my anxiety & depression for my liking. I feel I need to revisit my approaches and learn more about myself so that I can fully address these outbursts.

"Took so many L's, I'm not going back to those days." - Lil' Skies (Magic)

I guess what I'm trying to pull out of the experiences (see below) for my readers is this: know your limits and know when to accept things need to change. Please, don't simply put on a brave face and think things have to stay the same forever. Do not think for a second: you're being silly, you're being weak, or that people will judge you. That is absolutely not the case. It takes true strength to admit things are wrong and to fight back. I'd encourage you to think that taking a step 'backwards' isn't a bad thing: try to look at it as taking a necessary action, which will allow you to move further forward. I think we regularly forget that life is not a race, nor is progress linear. There are always bumps in the road and things don't always work out immediately. It is completely fine if that is the case. We're all different and we all have paths to follow, so please do not compare yourself to other people. If it helps, perhaps put social media down for a few hours/days. As I've said in the past, social media acts as a sterilised 'highlight reel', where people only post positive things about their lives in order to showboat. We do not see the struggles 'behind the scenes' as it were, therefore we ought not to assume that another's life is filled wholly with sunshine and rainbows. This can cause us to question our own reality and ask why we do not match up to another's seemingly perfect life. No matter how bad things get, always keep pushing. Keep fighting. Win. I promise you, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, even when it seems like there is none: it's always darkest right before dawn.

So, onto my examples. The past few weeks have been a very surreal experience to say the least. Both my work and personal life have had positive and negative sides to them. I should really be the happiest I've been for a long time. But, it seems the negatives are somewhat parasitic and attached to positive experiences, which makes breaking out of them even more difficult. It's hard to separate two things which find themselves intertwined.

On the one hand, I've had a brilliant time in a working capacity: I've received glowing feedback from clients on a few matters recently, which has given me the impetus to keep pushing forward in the courtroom. This hasn't simply been "good job"; they have been things like: "the best advocate we've used", "fantastic advocacy on complex areas of law, which were immediately grasped" and being "highly skilled". These messages were sent to management, so I didn't know about them until I had a phone call later that day. I genuinely do feel that I've become even more confident at work and am able to continually raise the bar of expectation. My results have also reflected this: my win percentage is the highest it's ever been. Oddly, despite all of this positivity and being able to push myself in directions I hadn't previously been able to do so, I continually question myself. It's frustrating to have a constant thought at the back of your mind, which makes you wonder whether you're in the right line of work, and whether you're going to obtain the highly coveted pupillage you've been working so hard for almost a decade to obtain. There seems to be a fear there's an inevitable time bomb of sorts: "things are going too well, so something is bound to go wrong soon, but when will it be?". That thought then leads me to think about letting people down and essentially being an embarrassment of a lawyer. The sensation of being constantly on edge, even after a GOOD day at work, has really made me take a step back and think there's a need to change things. It is because of this being on edge I regularly find myself stopping and thinking I won't ever make it to where I want to be, which leads me to feeling sorry for myself. I know these thoughts are, based on the above, both completely without a sound basis and downright devoid of logic. Yet, I find myself tussling with them almost daily and becoming emotional because of them. It's mind blowing that one line of thought can lead me to question my existence at such a fundamental level, which permeates every aspect of my being.

The personal side of things have been even more turbulent. On the positive side, I've started to see significant developments in personal relationships and dating. This has been more so than I've ever had done previously. Although this seemingly positive development has given me a bit of a push in terms of self-belief, it's not untainted. There are again, thoughts in the back of my mind which make me question myself. I can go from having the best time with someone, to then falling into this really dark place where I become very self-critical. This can happen in the space of hours. Some regular themes seem to appear: this perception that people will get 'bored' of me, that I'm not good enough, uncertainty in the future/how things will work out (and by extension to this uncertainty, me questioning my self-worth and what others see in me) and generally feeling sad/hopeless with no apparent event triggering it. In terms of personal relationships with friends and family, I have definitely noticed a withdrawal on my part. I really need to rectify this by taking these demons head on. If I were to try and analyse my own actions, I'd potentially put this down to a fear of being hurt by deemed as 'not good enough' (in terms of dating, where I pre-empt anything going wrong) and letting down those who I deeply care about by failing to meet their expectations (in terms of personal relationships).

I think the moment which pushed me over the edge, where I realised I needed to restart my therapeutic sessions, came over the tail end of last week (w/c 9th December). I've been so worked up with things that I withdrew from the weekend's training session for personal reasons. This was to give myself some time to get my act together mentally and to find a solution to everything. This was a big warning alarm: in my seven years as captain of TFC, I have NEVER missed a session because my mind was not in the right place: I've trained through injuries, studies and bad times all the same. Anyone who knows me will know I live for the weekend to go to football training with my brothers; the moment that became problematic or difficult, I knew something was wrong.

I guess time will tell as to how useful the process will be: fingers crossed I can go through it all and come out the other side stronger than ever before. I know for sure that my first round of CBT helped, so fingers crossed the second round is the final one!

Remember: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world.

Until next time,

J x