Diary Entry: Wednesday 7th August 2019

The majority of the posts that I have uploaded for 'A Mind Alley' have been rather objective, with some hints of my own personal experiences to try and bring some practical examples into focus. I hope that they have been useful thus far. I promised from the first post that I would endeavour to do a diary of my day to day. I admit that was a little optimistic, so I'll do a diary entry alongside topical posts whenever I can. Today, I've decided to make a début diary entry. I think this serves as a good example of what can happen.

I'll say from the start: the process of writing this post has been extremely stressful. I found it easier to actually disclose my anxiety and depression generally as opposed to writing this. I think it's partly because I'm digging into the darkest depths of my psyche, which is a vulnerable place for anyone, and putting it on display to show the realities of anxiety and depression. I really do hope that this helps advance the conversation.

'I get tackled by the grief at times that I would least expect.' - Mike Shinoda

I wake up feeling fine and all is well in the world of Jake. I get ready for a busy day in court on a number of matters. I take the train to court and I arrive with plenty of time for the morning session. The morning session comes and goes with no hitches and I decide to treat myself to a Starbucks. I come back to court for the afternoon session, and I sit down in a conference room at court. I pause and take a second to think, and that's when it hits me. I feel this throbbing/pulsing sensation in my eardrums (I really don't know how to explain it) and that reaction only means one thing for me. A few seconds later, I find myself in tears and feeling absolutely inconsolable. I sat there on my own for a good hour and just couldn't concentrate on anything. I sat there and questioned my worth: what value do I offer the world? What could anyone possibly see in me? This led to a panic about my career: am I even good at what I do? Will I get to be the person I've always wanted to become by achieving my goals? It's strange, because, nothing in particular triggered me today. That said, it is essentially what my personal experience is like: the moment I stop and take a breath, my mind hits me like a train. It has shown me that I can be anywhere, doing anything and I can succumb to those feelings. That is the most frustrating part of all of this. It's the unpredictability behind anxiety and depression; there's only so much one can do to curb it. Luckily, I was able to force myself to get my act together and carried on for the afternoon session (which was nice and productive). I sat there and told myself that whilst I had a job to do, that was of paramount importance in the short-term. Getting the job done to the highest possible standard with the best possible outcome was my only concern. Gladly, the afternoon session was a successful one.

I'm currently sat here with a cup of tea, reflecting on what happened today at court. I've always admitted that tackling the anxiety and depression are work in progress; today just confirms it for me. Usually, I've got a bit of notice that I'm going to start spiralling and feeling down. There are warning signs which I can identify. I've been able to find ways of pulling myself off of that track when I see those signs. However, what I know is this: I need to work on those moments when I get hit out of the blue. My reactions in those particular circumstances do need a bit of work, so I guess it's moving forward and trying to find a pattern which helps address those problems.

Well, that's this experimental, first diary-esque post done. I hope that it's been of help to you all, even if it's just normalising the processes that I go through and applying them to your own situations. Of course, I'll do some posts on positive days too, just so my readers can see the full variation.

Remember: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world.

Until next time,

J x