'Down Days'

"Everybody has bad days", "cheer up" and "you need to think more positively/snap out of it" - three phrases I've heard all too often over the past few years when I've been feeling like dirt. Whilst well intended, they often have the opposite effect and fundamentally misunderstand the very nature of anxiety & depression.

I completely accept everyone goes through a point of low mood. Generally, it tends to lift after a couple of days or maybe a few weeks if the surrounding circumstances are significant. Usually, low mood can be brought about due to events in one's own life. Your mood can then improve when the difficult situation or problem has been resolved or discussed. However, the big thing that I've found with anxiety & depression, the one thing that frustrates me the most: they are both entirely unpredictable. They simply pop up whenever they feel like it with very little or no logic. As I've said before (and those who know me well), I like having control of things and/or knowing the variables so they can be limited. With these problems, the control factor is completely eviscerated. You have zero control and it is absolutely terrifying. If you haven't already, I would suggest taking a look at what anxiety and depression look like, here before reading further, just so you know the context.

"I’ve had enough hard days. If I wake up and I feel good, I shouldn’t feel guilty for having fun, you know?" - Mike Shinoda

In this post, I'm going to talk about what I go through on a 'down day', without going into an excessive amount of detail (I'll break them up into different posts as they're better suited as standalone, digestible topics as opposed to an essay). As I noted in a previous post on what anxiety and depression look like, I've found myself going through most of those symptoms at least once, with the sole exception of self-harm. The main recurring battles with my mind that I go through during my 'down days' are: the feeling of hopelessness, a feeling of worthless (like nobody cares about me or anything I do, nor would they feel anything if I were to disappear) and this general, unshakeable and unrelenting sense of sadness. In particularly bad times, my mind will jump to very macabre thoughts. When I go through those moods, I tend to do a number of things such as: withdrawing from the group chats for a few hours, hiding myself away in my bedroom and sitting on my bed listening to one of my two comfort albums. I'm quite lucky in that my friends can read me like a book. They know that if I'm quiet, it's either because I'm tied up with work or because I'm not in the right frame of mind. I've also tried getting into the habit recently to say where I'm at, just so they know. On other days, usually when I'm home and it's either the weekend, or I'm meant to be studying for my dissertation, I'll find it really difficult to get out of bed and face the day. It probably doesn't help on many of those latter occasions I find myself waking up with a pounding in my head.

A new approach which I have found works for me is to simply lay down, open an app called 'Calm' (on either my iPhone or iPad) and meditate to the sound of the waves gently breaking on a sandy beach. I clear my mind and slow my breathing down. I then focus on things which I find comforting, such as: visiting Chengdu and playing with a Giant Panda or making my dream of arguing an important case before the Supreme Court (and bossing it) come true. Quite often I find myself inadvertently falling asleep, but I think that's because of how tiring it is constantly trying to tussle with your own mind. These are two very quick examples of things that I think about. Other times, I do let my mind wander and see where it takes me, so long as it's nothing negative. I will do a piece specifically on meditation, so watch this space.

A recent example of a 'down day' for me was just last week. By all accounts, I should have been pretty upbeat and chipper: I had a productive day in court, had sorted out all of my errands and it was only 1pm (meaning I could get home and chill out during the afternoon watching the ICC World Cup with a cup of tea!). I was sat on the train and about two-thirds of the way through the journey, I felt this sudden overwhelming feeling of sadness. A few minutes later, I found myself holding back tears, quickly followed by quiet sobbing on the train so I didn't draw attention to myself. I ended up getting home, making said cup of tea and rlocked myself away for the next few hours. I did have the cricket on in the background, but didn't really focus too much on it until the later stages of the game. If anything, I guess the experience shows although I'm now pretty open about my day to day and I can identify the problems, it's still very much a work in progress. I'm constantly testing different approaches and techniques to see what my personal winning formula is.

Unforeseen down days are part and parcel with mental health problems such as anxiety & depression. If you're thinking that you are alone in suffering them, believe me when I say you aren't. There are people out there who completely understand what you're going through, whether it's through personal experience or because they are professionally trained to assist in such matters. They want to help. Please do not shut yourself off from the world, speak to someone about how you’re feeling. It will be tough to start with, but like many things, the first time is often the most difficult. It does get easier with time. It’s okay not to feel okay 100% of the time, despite the fact we live in a time where social media acts essentially as a sterilised 'highlight reel' of people's lives. No matter how bad things get, always keep pushing. I promise you, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, even when it seems like there is none.

Mental health issues do not discriminate; it can affect those who appear to be absolutely fine on the outside and are high functioning. Be kind. We never know what people are going through or what their story is. Always remember, many battles aren’t visible and they tend to be the most brutal.

Before I round off, here are some links to individuals opening up about their experiences and what they do to tackle them:

• https://www.blurtitout.org/2016/06/14/managing-depression-hacks-hints-difficult-days/

• https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-to-do-on-the-bad-days-of-depression/

• https://themighty.com/2019/01/having-a-bad-day-with-depression-or-anxiety-what-to-know/

Remember: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world.

Until next time,

J x