Mental Health & Relationships

It's true that mental health issues (particularly the likes of anxiety and depression) are beginning to become better understood as awareness grows. There also seems to be a wider acceptance of mental health issues, which is fantastic to see. The ways in which depression can have an impact on relationships and how your relationships can help you manage depression are less understood, however. As you can appreciate, it's a two way street: the two work together in a symbiotic relationship where one can feed the other either positively or negatively. It's therefore important to strike a balance. In this post, I'll address both and then turn to my experiences.

Relationships on mental health

I've always advocated the need for support networks in order to help get through mental health issues. The main reason for this is simple: strong and healthy relationships have the potential to help us cope with the symptoms of depression. It is also true that given the correct set of circumstances, relationships can be a big influence on whether a person becomes depressed. This could be the result of break ups, arguments, the loss of a partner or even domestic abuse. Close relationships do have the ability to give us a support network: they are people we feel we are able talk to and the people we can rely on when things are difficult. They can help us to maintain perspective and just generally feel less alone. Research shows that relationships are joint-top on what matters most to our emotional wellbeing. Therefore it is clear that maintaining good relationships can be a way to help you when things get difficult. I should say right now that I'm not suggesting you stick to someone 24/7. For example, going for coffee or lunch every now and then to catch up, impromptu calls/texts or shopping trips etc. can be great ways to maintain these relationships whilst also acknowledging how busy we tend to be on a day to day basis. Of course, good relationships are not the only thing you should rely on. Whilst our friends, parents, and partners all may care deeply, their input is not entirely objective. Therefore, I would strongly urge you to consider therapy nonetheless; therapists provide a fresh, objective and clinical perspective that can help significantly.

Conversely, evidence suggests people in troubled relationships are three times as likely to experience depression as those who aren’t. Therefore, it is clear that unhappy or unsupportive relationships are a risk factor for depression. In such cases, it may be worth speaking to your partner to see if the issues in your relationship can be addressed to help with your anxiety and/or depression.

Mental health on relationships

Depression can make it difficult to maintain supportive and fulfilling relationships. If your partner is suffering from depression, they may be so overwhelmed by their symptoms that finding the energy to communicate feels impossible or is very difficult for them. Again, I should add at this point that depression can oscillate. Therefore the behaviour can be unpredictable from time to time. I completely understand that as a partner, friend or a family member, this can be both draining and distressing. This can be compounded when considering the need to do daily chores or errands, such as keeping up with running the house or looking after the rest of the family.

I would encourage partners NOT to act based on this frustration. The reason for this is pretty straightforward: the person with anxiety and/or depression may feel like a burden. They may feel that they are simply in the way and making the lives of those around them worse. Sufferers of anxiety and/or depression may be aware of the effects their depression is having on their relationships, but feel powerless to do anything about it. This can make them feel guilty, and lower their self-esteem even more. That said, partners of those suffering from anxiety and depression need not be alone: there are programmes available, which are designed to help both partners. A good example of this is couple's counselling, which will enable you to communicate about the issues in your relationship and to draw up a way of addressing those issues. I want to take this moment to dispel any myth that there is any form of stigma attached to this. NOBODY is to blame. Nobody is to blame for having a mental illness and nobody is to blame for feeling drained/stressed etc. with the exposure. Part of couple's counselling includes 'externalising', which is basically detaching the condition from the person. That way, you’re able to see the anxiety, depression or other mental health illness as the problem, not the person suffering from it. Some helpful tips include giving the mental health condition a name or referring to it in the third person: this helps the person suffering see it as a separate entity, rather than being part of their personality. In turn, it helps the personal feel much better about themselves. They are able to tell themselves (and you can remind them) that: "this is not you, this is the mental health issue talking."

My experiences

I think I've made it pretty clear in previous posts (and those who follow me on social media, particularly Instagram & Twitter) that I feel indebted to my friends for the support that they have given me on this rather tough journey over the past few years. I have found opening up to them a great way of getting the huge weight on my chest off - it's just so much more productive than stewing on my own and overthinking everything. We have had coffee, dinner and just generally hung out whenever. Those activities have been such a massive help that I can't even put them into words. It's been during this time that I've found out more about the underlying problems that my friends face on a day to day basis, many of which I can relate to. In my previous relationship (we remain close, for which I'm very thankful), I was blessed with being able to open up to someone who understood everything I was going through. It's so nice to have that understanding in a partner because when you're having a bad day, they don't get on your back. As to my closest friends, I genuinely do feel that this has brought us even closer and allowed us to create a mutual support arrangement: whenever one of us needs it, we just open up about it. I also feel pretty lucky in that the lads I play football with, whilst being very good friends of mine, are also pretty open and supportive about things. There's a lot of love and respect amongst them, which is absolutely invaluable during the dark days. To all of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I've had a somewhat turbulent few weeks, with a number of different projects morphing into one giant ball of stress. Another way I've managed to get through that is through my Twitter followers. Of all places, Twitter is usually the one place you would avoid having such open and frank discussion. That said, the people that have seen me struggling through things recently have been absolutely incredible in sending across messages of support and offering to be there for me, should I ever need it. Again, to all of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Before I sign off, here are some fantastic links which I hope are of use to you:

• https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/

• https://www.mind.org.uk/news-campaigns/news/mental-health-and-romantic-relationships-research-released-today/

• https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/mental-health/relationships-and-depression

• https://www.rethink.org/news-and-stories/blogs/2019/feb/telling-your-partner-you-live-with-a-mental-illness/

• https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/about-mental-health/support-someone

• http://www.sane.org.uk

If there is anything in particular you would like me to cover in future posts, please do feel free to drop me an email or a message via social media and I'll get on it!

Finally. Remember: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world.

Until next time,

J x