Preventing Self-Harm & Suicide

WARNING: This post addresses self-harm and suicide. Naturally, the content may be shocking, triggering and/or distressing to some readers. If this is the case, it might be best to stop reading now.

This, for me, is the single most important blog post that I will ever do for 'A Mind Alley'. I cannot stress enough how important this is. I also feel that there's a bit of pressure to get this one in particular spot on. The main reason I started this blog was to help people. If this post helps save or positively change just ONE person's life, then I've done the job that I set out to do. Self-harm and suicide are without doubt, amongst the most alarming and saddening outcomes attached to mental health issues. For someone to consider either of them as a valid option, something must have gone incredibly wrong somewhere along the line. Before I begin going into the topic, I wanted to say this:

"Mental health is consistently seen as unimportant and has a ridiculous stigma attached to it. If you do feel like you are struggling, I have this to say: You are NOT alone. You are NOT weak. It’s okay not to feel okay all the time. Remember: 'the night gets darkest right before the dawn breaks.' I completely understand what you are going through; I've been there myself. I promise, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, even when it feels like there is none and all hope is gone. Please do not shut yourself off from the world, speak to someone. I’m always here should you need a chat, regardless of if we’ve not spoken before. There is no judgment, our conversation is a safe space for you to let everything out into the open. I may not have all of the answers but I will at least do my best to support you. Draw strength from the battles you have won and the fears that you have faced and overcome. You’ve got this. You can get through the dark times. You're strong. Please remember that you’re a beautiful human being who can offer and bring so much good to this world. People love and care about you. You matter."

As you can appreciate, this will be quite a long post. To summarise, I'm going to split the blog post up into sections as follows:

• Warning signs of suicide;

• Risk factors;

• What to do if you feel suicidal;

• What to do if you suspect someone is suicidal or they open up to you;

• My personal experience; and

• Important information/contact details.

Warning signs of suicide:

• Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself;

• Looking for a way to kill oneself;

• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no purpose;

• Talking about feeling trapped or being in unbearable pain;

• Talking about being a burden to others;

• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs;

• Acting anxious, agitated, or reckless;

• Sleeping too little or too much;

• Withdrawing or feeling isolated;

• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge; and

• Displaying extreme mood swings.

Risk factors that may influence someone's decision to take their own life:

• Mental disorders, particularly mood disorders, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders and certain personality disorders;

• Alcohol and other substance use disorders;

• Hopelessness;

• Impulsive and/or aggressive tendencies;

• History of trauma or abuse;

• Major physical or chronic illnesses;

• Previous suicide attempt;

• Family history of suicide;

• Recent job or financial loss;

• Recent loss of relationship;

• Easy access to lethal means;

• Local clusters of suicide;

• Lack of social support and sense of isolation;

• Stigma associated with asking for help;

• Lack of health care, especially mental health and substance abuse treatment;

• Cultural and religious beliefs, such as the belief that suicide is a noble resolution of a personal dilemma; and

• Exposure to others who have died by suicide (in real life or via the media and Internet).

If YOU feel suicidal

For those of you directly experiencing such thoughts now, here are some helpful tips for coping. Firstly, try not to think about the future, just focus on getting through today. I know that's difficult, but think of the here and now. Take it one day at a time. The pain that you're feeling is completely legitimate, but you absolutely do not need to act on your thoughts right now. Take a minute to breathe. During this time please steer clear from drugs and alcohol, they will only impair your judgment at a crucial time. Speak to or be around other people. The age old saying that "a problem shared is a problem halved" comes into play here. If you open up to someone at this critical point, they can help you get through this. Another option is to distract yourself by doing something you usually enjoy. For me, I've found listening to music, going for a run/exercising generally and meditation are helpful. Of course, this can vary from person to person and the possibilities are endless. You need to find what works for you. They could be something from simply doing small tasks as a distraction, through to going to a museum or treating yourself to food/coffee you enjoy and focusing on the tastes, textures etc. Finally, you can list all of the positive things in your life. I've found this one to be helpful as I can see everything that I appreciate in front of me in physical form. If you have not done so yet and have experienced suicidal thoughts before, make a crisis plan. It essentially acts as a safety net. Take a look, here.

If you know someone who is suicidal or opens up to you

This can be a heartbreaking moment. Someone you know and love has gotten to the stage where they feel it is necessary to take their own life. The best thing you can do for someone in that case: talk. Talk to them. Begin a dialogue by asking questions. Suicidal thoughts are common with some mental illnesses and your willingness to talk about it in a non-judgmental and non-confrontational way can be the help a person needs in order to take the next step to seek professional help. Try to find out if they have thought of a method or when they would carry this out. In doing so, you can then use this information to assess any immediate danger and remove anything from the environment that may pose a danger.

Do not try to minimise the person's problems or shame them into changing their mind. Trying to convince a person suffering with a mental illness that it’s "not that bad", or that they have "everything to live for" may increase their feelings of guilt and hopelessness. I understand people do this with the best of intentions, but it actually has the opposite effect. Reassure them that help is available, that what they are experiencing is treatable, and that suicidal feelings are temporary.

If you feel the person is not in immediate danger, acknowledge the fact their pain is legitimate and offer to work together to get help. When you do this, it is absolutely vital to make sure you follow through. Help this person find a doctor or a mental health professional, participate in making the first phone call, or go along to the first appointment with them for support. If you’re in a position to help, don’t assume that your persistence is unwanted or intrusive. Risking your feelings to help save a life is a risk worth taking. Checking in on someone every day could make all the difference.

My experience

For me, this hits quite close to home. Very few people know I hit a point where this was directly applicable to me. Strange enough, the suicidal thoughts are what started my entire fightback. It was like a line was crossed and an automatic response kicked in. I'll be honest, it's terrifying that my brain was turning out such thoughts. I think the fact my brain reached that conclusion scared me enough into talking about it with people I trusted.

It was just after I finished a set of exams for the UK Bar in 2017. I had spent all of my savings on that year, had no job immediately lined up (I had a prospective one but this was dependent on passing the exams first) and was completely unsure whether I had passed those exams. If I hadn't, I would need to resit and the costs of doing so were astronomical. Basically, I was faced with a "now or never" situation: I could have seen all of my work from the previous five years being rendered pointless. On top of that, I had to worry about how I was going to fund my LLM, which started a mere few months later. Throw into the mix the end of my first significant relationship and that I simply didn't know how to cope with the fallout of that, you can guess where I was. One day, something innocuous took me over the edge. My heart started to race, my breathing was shallow, my thoughts seemed like they were going 100 mph and worst of all, I felt numb. Then it hit me. For the next few weeks, the thought kept hitting me, over and over again.

One day, at my wits' end and in a distressed state, I knocked on my sister's bedroom door. I sat down on her bed, she stared at me waiting for me to say something, and just burst into tears. We talked it out and started planning steps on how to address it. I decided to open up to a few of my best friends (Jonathon Shilling, Liam Broughton, Kristine Rånes Græsdal and Marie Fournier) later that day. They are scattered across the world and had been there in dark times before, so I felt it necessary to explain where I was in case I went off-radar. I ended up going for coffee to talk about it with Jon. I realised during that time I wasn't alone in having difficult times and we built up an even stronger connection than we had done before. We checked in with each other daily with phone calls to see how the other was doing. It was liberating. Fast forward a few weeks, I took the plunge and spoke to my GP about it. I received my diagnosis, which kickstarted my process of medication, therapy and self-care. Having felt a bit more myself, I opened up to a group of close friends. It's nice because we've formed a group which is very much open with how we feel. There's no judgment. The problems started to dissipate over time. I don't pretend to be completely in the clear with either of my anxiety and depression. That said, I've come a long way from where I was and I'm just so relieved I came out the other side stronger. I am eternally thankful to my sister, my friends, my GP and my therapist. Without you, I don't know how I would have managed.

Contact details

Before I round off, please do take a look at the following links and details. Please do circulate them amongst people you know. I hope that they help:

• If you are in the UK, call the Samaritans on 116 123. It is FREE.

• For those of you in the US, call: 1-800-273-8255

• For my Canadian viewers, call: 1-800-456-4566

• https://www.samaritans.org

• https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

• A fantastic charity, local to me: https://www.thurrockmind.org.uk

• https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/suicide

• https://papyrus-uk.org or call 0800 068 41 41 (Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm)

• http://www.sane.org.uk/sane_on_suicide

• https://www.thecalmzone.net or call 0800 58 58 58 (5pm to midnight every day)

• www.columbusrecoverycenter.com/depression-resource-guide/

• https://www.drugrehab.com/guides/suicide-risks/

Remember: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world. Hang in there, champ - you got this!

Until next time,

J x