Self-Acceptance

Jake K. Newell
Nov 4, 2019
7 min read

In modern society, it is clear there are ideals which individuals are expected to meet. For example, there are pressures on people to look a certain way in order to meet a society's concept of 'beauty'. In this post, I want to discuss self-acceptance within the mental health sphere, particularly with my experiences with anxiety and depression.

"Oh that's just the way it goes, it's playing over and over in my head, where it'll end? Nobody knows." - The Offspring (Hammerhead)

The first thing I want to say is this: accept that you have anxiety and/or depression. You should also accept you are flawed. I'm not saying that you let them run you, but denying their existence does not help in the long run. Of course, we are all different. Generally, as humans, we have flaws. It is completely normal to be worried about certain things. However, they should not hold you back. Be sure to embrace yourself for the amazing human being that you are, negatives as well. Of course, we are all different. Generally, as humans, we have flaws. It is completely normal to be worried about certain things. However, they should not hold you back. Be sure to embrace yourself for the amazing human being that you are, negatives as well.

It is so important to understand that the negatives can be addressed, but that starts with accepting there is a problem to start with. Acceptance only means being open to the fact you have a condition, and the condition needs to be treated. Self-acceptance is not resignation to something and letting the condition win; it is the act of letting go of things we cannot control. By doing so, you are able to focus your energy on things you can control. For some people, accepting that they have a problem is the first step to making positive changes, particularly with depression and anxiety.

As someone who has struggled with accepting myself for who I am, I get it. I'm still working on it and have a long way to go. However, small steps have helped me move in the right direction. Before diving in, I want to highlight that this post is the product of a suggestion from a dear friend of mine, Ezzy, who is based in the US. I'm grateful for Ezzy's suggestion, input, and the numerous conversations that we have had on the topic of mental health as of late.

What is 'Self-Acceptance'?

For the purposes of this post, I will be adopting the following definition of self-acceptance (taken from the Harvard Health Blog, here): “an individual’s acceptance of all of his/her attributes, positive or negative.” As you will note, this definition will stretch to include things such as: body acceptance, self-protection from negative criticism, and believing in one’s capacities. This post will be a general template, which I hope will be able to serve any of those issues. In particular, my experiences (noted below) are with the latter: my own capacities and capabilities.

Mental Health and Self-Acceptance: the link

Generally speaking, there is a significant overlap between issues surrounding self-acceptance and anxiety. As I have noted in my previous post on the symptoms of both anxiety and depression, it is common for individuals to be self-conscious. This, when triggered, can manifest itself in the form of an anxiety attack.

Self-acceptance can be used to challenge negative thoughts by breaking the cycle we often find ourselves in. If we are able to accept the existence of these thoughts, they are given less power over us. The reason for this is simple: we know the nature of these thoughts, and we know that they aren't true or logical. In the long run, this can lead to a change in perception and response to anxiety-inducing thoughts..

My Experiences

For me, the very of idea of 'self-acceptance' (or in my case, the lack of) is singlehandedly one of the biggest issues I have had to tussle with. It became quite clear during my time in therapy that there is some deeply ingrained 'inadequacy' complex in my thought processes. In my experience, I've needed to work on (and continue to work on) accepting myself in both the work and personal environment.

Professional

Starting with my professional background; as many of you know by now, I am in the legal profession. This has all sorts of preconceptions attached to it, many of which I simply do not fit. For example, I haven't: studied at Oxford or Cambridge, come from a middle class background, or developed an accent whereby I speak in RP ("Received Pronunciation" or "the Queen's English"). These preconceptions can play on my mind, and have caused a number of meltdowns over the past. In particular, this has occurred when trying to obtain pupillage: I come back to the idea that I'm simply inadequate and therefore, cannot get to the finish line. Over time, I've started to challenge these thought processes: I am just as good as any other lawyer and I have reached my current position on merit and ability alone. I've also had to remind myself that I outperform opponents in court and have a success rate which I'm very proud of.

Personal

This one is a biggie for me. It was the central concept of my stint in therapy and I'll be completely honest, I struggle with this on a regular basis still. As I write this post, I can tell you that today has been one of those days where I have struggled to accept myself. It has had an impact on so many things in my life, from relationships through to sporting commitments and studies. It can range from things such as: not being smart enough, not being good looking, not being skilled, and not being talented. I cannot count the amount of times that I've had some form of anxiety attack before a game of football, an exam or a date. It doesn't matter how far along the process I find myself, it always happens. For example, in my previous relationship (which was for a significant period of time), I routinely worried about being replaced and had substantial feelings of inadequacy. The frustrating thing was, I knew that these thoughts were illogical. However, they did then play a role in the demise of that relationship.

It seems there always seems to be something in the back of my mind which suggests that: I'm not good enough or I will mess something up and as a result, I'll be replaced by someone 'better' (which is annoying, because it is my own subjective standard of 'better' and makes very little sense in reality). In turn, this has had an impact on my self-confidence and my day to day as a result. It's also seen the birth of somewhat of a duality in my mind: the lawyer (where I've been able to address these issues) and Jake the individual (where I've failed routinely to deal with these issues). I routinely make a joke about the separation of what seems to be a character from me as a person, but that is how things work for me at the moment.

I've been trying to combat this by forcing myself out of the pattern of self-pity. I've found that by openly speaking to people about how I'm feeling, and they've helped me apply some logic to this thinking. However, I've needed to find something within me to help tackle this: I cannot constantly rely on everyone else to help with my problem. It's not fair on them and I also need to have some internal control. Over the past few months, I've essentially adopted the view that I will fail if I don't try or let those inner thoughts of inadequacy get to me before I've even started. The thinking is this: if things go wrong, or I don't get the outcome I wanted, at least I tried my best given the circumstances I've been given to work with. After that, I can learn from my mistakes and highlight the positives. For some things, it can be something as small as turning up, saying something or getting out of bed in the morning; the fact I'm engaging with something is a positive in itself.

Strangely, this has proved successful: it has forced me into situations I wouldn't have put myself into to start with. As I say, this is still very much a work in progress, but I'm making steps, and that's good enough for me: some progress is still progress.

How do you tackle issues of self-acceptance?

There are a number of ways of addressing this.

The first, which I appreciate is much easier said than done, is to be proud of who you are. Many people have an inner critic, which they wrongly equate with a 'voice of reason' of sorts. As a result, people think their inner critic is simply speaking the truth. I accept that I fall into this category. It is important to recognise and accept what you are not good at, but you do need to focus on what you can do well. However, this inner self-criticism should not be equated with reality. A Harvard Health Blog post has coined the term of "self-regulation" as a means of addressing this issue. It essentially boils down to the changing of perceptions within your thought processes: challenge your negative thoughts and applying a positive spin on them. A handy trick I would recommend is making a note of a positive in a negative situation, and to continue to do that. Over time, you will rewire your brain to notice both the negatives and the positives, without the need to self-loathe. Of course, there are things that we all want to change about ourselves. The important question to ask yourself is this: are your expectations realistic? If the answer is yes, take steps towards change by planning out your route and taking small steps towards your goal.

A second approach is that of self-transcendence: rely less on things outside of yourself to define you, such as material things. As the Harvard Health Blog post explains, in this process ""you turn to an unforced sense of connectedness with the world. You can achieve this by contributing to work, family, or the community at large. The goal is to seek unity with some system in a way that is heartfelt and authentic."

Before I sign off, here are some fantastic links which I hope are of use to you:

Remember: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world.

Until next time,

J x

Self-Acceptance

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