Diary Entry: January 2020

It's been a while since I've done a post for 'A Mind Alley', so much so that I think I'm still able to say "Happy New Year" to you all, because the last post was back in December 2019! A lot has happened for me over the past few months, so I'll try and unpack everything into this post. As per, I hope that the experiences, tips and techniques that I share in this post are helpful to you all.

"Had to have high, high hopes for a living" - Panic! At The Disco (High Hopes)

Personal Wins

There have been a number of small wins from the turn of the year, which I'm pretty proud of. The reason being, I've learned a lot about myself and my reactions have been much more positive than expected. Some examples:

1. The big one: my prescription of anti-depressants. I've had a number of chats over the years about anti-depressants. I've even written about medication previously, here. Since I was diagnosed in 2017, I've taken Sertraline and been on the lowest dosage since then, which is 50mg a day. For now. I've actually made an appointment to start lowering my dosage, with the aim of coming off of them altogether. I've given myself until the end of 2020 to achieve this, but any time before that is a bonus.

2. Performance in court: I like to think I've been quite lucky in having a natural talent with advocacy. More recently, I've been taking on much more complex cases and have been seeing an increase in clients both requesting me and giving fantastic feedback. I think this has helped develop some new found confidence. That has translated itself into my pupillage applications this year. For some reason, I feel much more comfortable and at peace with myself. I think that is partly due to the fact that I've accepted that I can only work as hard as I can, there are other factors that I can't control. I've also realised that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, no matter how hard you study, prepare and argue.

3. Dating: I've been putting myself out there. I think this comes down to repetition and again accepting that I am who I am, and there are other factors that I can't control. I've managed to tell myself that, sometimes, things just don't work. That's life. Oddly, I've been fine with that. I've been able to tell myself the world keeps spinning and that I'm still me. I used to get very cut up over these types of things. In a practical sense, I've become much more laid back with personal relationships (both romantic and plutonic) and that has manifested itself as being more chilled/relaxed in person.

4. Reading: this has been a massive one for me. I've been able to use reading for fun (not for studies, which I've been doing for the past decade) to escape the outside world and to get engrossed in a story. I think that by taking a step back and reading at your own pace, it's a good way of distracting yourself from things. That, and there are of course hidden meanings and varying interpretations to books. My inner literature nerd has very much come back and it's been fascinating reading things by the likes of: Kafka, Orwell, Dumas and Dostoevsky.

5. Meditation: before I sleep, I meditate to the sound of waves on the 'Calm' app. I also register my mood before I go to sleep. The reason I do this is to help me identify patterns in terms of negative thoughts before sleep. Over the past few months, I've gone from being predominantly negative, to being relatively positive overall. The app has enabled me to note the topics that come up, their frequency per month and has allowed me to regulate my breathing in time with the waves. This in turn, has given me control over my body by slowing the physical symptoms of anxiety.

New Year Resolutions

I uploaded a photo to my Instagram story at the start of the new year, which had my 'new year resolutions' on a sheet of paper. I then laminated it, and pinned it to my noticeboard in my room. It's the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go back to sleep. Now I know what you're thinking: "new year, new me" is one of those things that people try to use to make significant changes in their lives and don't stick to. I take the point, I really do. That said, I do genuinely feel that the turn of the year, and the start of 2020, has given me a benchmark to start making changes. I feel like a new person, and I'm so proud of the progress I've made so far. I would go as far to say that I feel like Jake of old. The biggest thing that I've taken away from my list is that an outcome is dependant on your perception; I've been trying to find any silver lining in every bad situation, to help offset any negative feeling. After a while, that has become a habit because of repetition. In turn, I feel it has made me a lot more optimistic.

You'll see from the list, a lot of them are things I've already been doing in small doses, so the main thing for me has been to tie them together. I think a large part of this comes down to giving things a try (if we're talking dating/relationships, job applications and generally anything new). You'll also see that I've utilised things such as sport, reading and meditation to help clear my mind. I've also, at point 1, given my mental health priority: it's so important that we find time for self-care. This enables us to be the best version of ourselves. Some of them are a bit more difficult, and have been tough to fulfil. For example, putting yourself out of your comfort zone is never easy, nor is it easy to start simply putting up boundaries. For some people, seeing boundaries may mean that there are changes or losses of relationships. This is something we all need to be aware of, but please, don't put someone else being present in your life over your own mental health. If they just take, take, take, it's not fair on you. I've said from day 1 that a crucial factor is having a good support network. I've always been blessed with having one: good family and friends who will support me with anything. We all need to have that in our lives for when things get difficult.

Just for your reference, below is a copy of my resolutions in full:

1. Prioritise your mental health, wellbeing and self-care.

2. Take chances by putting yourself out there: you never know unless you try.

3. Apply your confidence oozing, no bullsh*t court face to your personal self.

4. Your comfort zone is NOT your growth zone: venture into unchartered territory and find the lessons from each experience.

5. Read more.

6. Social Media is a sterilized highlight reel: use it less often.

7. Learn a new skill or language in 2020.

8. Remember that not everybody will have your best interests in mind.

9. Keep your meditation routine going.

10. Try to find the silver linings in everything: a bad outcome could always be a blessing in disguise.

11. Build on your existing sport, running & gym commitments.

Therapy

Despite all of the positivity in this post, there is still plenty of room for improvement. For those who subscribe to the blog and keep themselves updated, you'll remember in my last post 'calling an audible' that I expressed my intent to go restart therapy. I started the process recently, by getting involved in a few group sessions with Inclusion Thurrock, who are a fantastic little organisation working with the NHS in my hometown. Don't worry; it was more of a seminar than everyone being sat in a circle talking about their innermost problems. The sessions were amazing in terms of unpacking the content of the types of therapy (my friend E has previously written on the topic, here) and what patients should expect from the process. I really cannot praise the course enough, because, although it was mostly stuff I knew, there were a few new things that cropped up. On top of that, it really does provide a fantastic basis to help people understand the process of therapy. My 1 to 1 therapy with my therapist will begin shortly, and I'm really looking forward to the opportunity of making a breakthrough.

I think that's pretty much everything in terms of developments over December 2019 up until now. I've got some plans on what to write for the blog in the future. If, however, there's anything that you'd like me to focus on, drop me a message over social media or comment on this post below. Similarly, if you need to talk about anything, my door's always open. Do not suffer in silence.

Remember: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world.

Until next time,

J x