Good Vibes (Diary Entry: Sunday 15th September 2019)

My previous diary posts (7th August and 1st September) focused on the negative experiences that I had been going through, particularly panic attacks and depressive thoughts. This one, however, will be a bit different: I've been feeling pretty decent over the last few weeks, so I'm going to reflect on what I've done to try and help with my anxiety and depression. As I'm putting this post together, I'm currently chilled out watching the Premier League and the weather looks fantastic outside too, which is reflective of my mood (my inner nerd loves the use of 'pathetic fallacy' as a literary technique and I just couldn't resist making a reference to it here!).

"Ain't no grave gonna hold me down, wide awake so don't make a sound, ain't no way you can break me down" - Hollywood Undead (Take Me Home)

Before I dive in, I just wanted to say that owing to the interest in my previous posts on a daily diary to provide an insight into depression and anxiety, I've decided to make the diary a running series for this blog. I also appreciate your love and support for both me personally during my not so great times, and the blog, which is designed to help others. This is by no means the end of the road for me: I still have a long way to go and have plenty of good and bad days to face. As I say though, I do want to show some light in the dark.

Talking

My friends and family have been absolutely amazing over the past few weeks. Since I started this blog, I have been privileged enough to have people open up and confide in me. I have also been lucky enough to meet new people going through similar struggles. What has struck me the most is the diversity of people who I have had these conversations with, which goes to show how common and indiscriminate mental health problems are. I do genuinely believe (as the history of this blog demonstrates) that conversation on this topic can help with addressing its issues. I have learned quite a few handy techniques in dealing with anxiety and depression, as well as providing others with my personal approach to dealing with them. As a result of these discussions, I do feel I have made new friends for life, which is always a great feeling.

Studying

To start with, the improvement in my mood and mental health at the time of submitting my Master's dissertation is more than coincidental in my mind. I've previously written about the relationship between studies and mental health. I do feel that taking some time post-dissertation to sort my life out has helped: it's a massive commitment that does suck up a lot of your time and energy. This is compounded when you consider that the dissertation is worth a third of your overall grade, so there's a LOT of pressure attached to getting it right. I'll be the first to admit that as soon as the dissertation was submitted, I immediately turned to panicking over the result/grade I'd get. Having spoken to a few friends, I realise that it's out of my control now: I've done as much as I can, I've worked as hard as I can and had some friends proof-read the paper to make sure it reads well. Overall, that's the most I can give before it becomes destructive.

Whilst I've finished my Master's degree, I've decided to try and write up some academic articles to be published. The two papers focus on football and its relationship with: 1) human rights law, and 2) financial regulation. I think the way I perceive these articles is different to my dissertation: they're on topics I love but they don't have any bearing on any grade, nor is there any time limit on them. It is because of this, I can fit in my research whenever I want around other commitments. There is also a further advantage in that if I am able to use this studying in the reverse way to my dissertation: if I'm feeling down or in a bad place, I can dive into this research as a way of distracting myself.

Those of you who know me well, understand how much I enjoy learning things. I guess I must be a sucker for punishment in some regards as I'm genuinely considering carrying the research from my Master's dissertation over into a PhD (grade dependent of course). That said, I do need to sit down and consider this fully, but it's nice to have the option!

Sporting Commitments

I have always found sport a very productive way of helping with mental health issues. This is again, something that I've blogged about in the past. For me, there are two things I do on a weekly basis (or try to at least) in order to try and pull out the negativity in a physical and constructive way.

The first is football training. It may sound cliché, but for me, football is a massive break from reality: you leave all of the real life issues on the sidelines. Each weekend, I get to train and play alongside teammates who I see as effectively being members of my family. During this time, I am able to distract myself from the feelings of pessimism, worthlessness and hopelessness. Football also acts as a physical outlet for the build ups commonly associated with mental health issues; there is a sense of physically getting the frustration (amongst other things) out of the system with every: pass, shot, and tackle but in a controlled environment. I do genuinely feel that I my game is improving and I'm becoming a better player with each week. The reason for this is simple: I work harder each week to distract myself from the problems off the pitch, which gives me more determination to play better on the pitch. As a result, I then improve physically and technically. A recent development, which I find myself subscribing to, is being the player who practices free kicks before and after training. I have never had the confidence to practice free kicks with the rest of the team watching on. This new found confidence in my ability is starting to radiate into my personal life, which is absolutely amazing.

The second thing, which is a little more irregular (but is something I'm working on) is running. I've been getting involved with 'park runs' every Saturday morning before training. Essentially, the aim is to complete 5km (be that as a: walk, jog, or run). I've found running quite therapeutic in that I can put on my headphones and shut the world out; this gives me time to reflect and clear my mind. Over the space of the 5km, I'm able to get away from the bad thoughts and the triggers in the real world, and possibly give myself some further ideas on how to tackle these problems. Running has also given me some extra confidence as I've been able to set three consecutive personal bests, which is always nice!

Work/Professional Life

For those of you who know me well, you know that I'm a County Court Advocate. Law is a very stressful profession and mental health issues (particularly anxiety and depression) are prolific in the legal industry. I absolutely love the subject of law. I love being in court, too. There is nothing more exhilarating than being before a Judge and making submissions on behalf of your client. There is also a lot of satisfaction to be gained from a successful outcome for a client. I do feel the routine of being in court has helped regulate both my sleep and eating patterns: the structure has meant I am not sitting up half of the night as often as I was. When I do, however, I am (for the most part at the moment) ably equipped to deal with any negative thoughts and/or feelings.

That said, courts are emotionally and mentally challenging environments to be. I have come to understand that being in court 5 days a week, every week, is not a sustainable practice for me. I initially put that down to not being used to the practice and that I would eventually just "get it". However, I realise now that each person is different and has different tolerances. For me, I'm happy to do 3 or 4 days a week in terms of court and/or preparation, leaving the other 4 or 3 days (depending on how much work I take on) of the week to focus on other things such as: personal appointments/errands, mental health breaks, A Mind Alley, and other professional commitments such as my law blog (Should you be interested, it can be accessed here: https://www.newelllegal.co.uk).

Well, that's the next instalment of the experimental, diary-esque series done. I hope that it's been of help to you all. I really did want to do a positive post to demonstrate it is not all doom and gloom as people often perceive it to be. I also hope that the post does help in normalising the processes that I go through and you may be able to apply some of my solutions (or to tinker with them and find what works for you) to your own problems.

Remember: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world.

Until next time,

J x