Taking A Knee (Diary Entry: Saturday 19th October)

So it's been a while since I've done a diary entry; I've been swamped with work and then had a bout of the much dreaded man-flu, so have only just been able to get back into the swing of things fully. My last post was about moments of 'Euphoria' (which can be found here) and was a request from one of my Twitter followers. Whilst I've been in a pretty good place mentally for the most part (and I'll reference why in this post too, so don't worry), the past 48 hours have been pretty hard going for me. This has been for two reasons: a sudden build up of things, and also personal reasons. So, without drawing this out too long, let's dive straight in.

"Sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger, the person that you'd take a bullet for... is behind the trigger." - Fall Out Boy (Miss Missing You)

I decided to call this post 'taking a knee' for two reasons. The first is a reference to American Football: it's a strategy to waste time when your team is winning. Essentially, I've adopted it as a 'take the victory whilst you're ahead' or 'quit whilst you're ahead'. Secondly, and more of a personal interpretation of the motion, taking a knee allows you to stop for a minute and to reflect on a given situation. I plan to do that with this piece and throughout the day.

Even though I've been ill this week, I've forced myself into court and work during the latter half to get out of the house and to be somewhat productive. I guess you could also put that down to an annoying trait that I possess: I have to be doing something at all times, otherwise I get bored very quickly. I came home from court yesterday (Friday 18th) and had a nap for a few hours to catch up on my rest. That was a big mistake: I woke up a few hours later and checked my phone, to be met by what seemed to be a tidal wave of notifications. I start to check through them: texts about upcoming social events, texts about football training, messages and missed calls from work, and messages about academic articles. A few seconds after my brain tried to process everything, my positive streak ended. I went into a full blown panic because of the sheer volume of things that had dropped over the space of a few hours. I knew that there was nothing productive I could do in that situation, so I made a list of what to do and had to come back to things afterwards. My mind went completely blank and the physical symptoms of a panic attack took over. I started to breath really quickly, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, my stomach felt like it had dropped 100 feet and I just couldn't stop shaking. It's frustrating that I had to accept defeat in that situation, especially because I had been doing so well recently. I guess it goes back to what I've said in the past about anxiety; much like depression, it is variable and therefore unpredictable. That said, it's always a work in progress and my responses will continue to develop and evolve as I get older, so it's good that I didn't fully capitulate.

The second thing influence on this bad patch is somewhat personal. This is where the distinction between anxiety and depression becomes pivotal. I've struggled to try and put this as eloquently and concisely as I usually do, so I'll apologise now if it seems a little 'jumpy'. I've written in the past on the connection between relationships and mental health. It is also something that has heavily featured in my experiences in therapy. I think for me, it's the whole vulnerability that one can feel in relationships: you give the person the means to destroy you, whilst hoping that they don't. Having reflected on things, I have noticed that my emotions can be heavily guided by the significant people in my life. It has made me realise that there are severe deficits in my progress and at times, I feel like I'm completely out of my depth. The feelings of hopelessness, of worthlessness, the lingering sense of sadness, and the downright non-existence of my self-confidence are exacerbated in these situations. Just by way of an example that comes to my mind: dating. I am terrible at dating (and that's not just because I'm awkward and have no idea what I'm doing!). I constantly find myself questioning: my own worth, my appeal, if I'm valued, whether I'm going to be replaced, and my own happiness in the long run. It is so hard to shut these thoughts down and, unfortunately, they've recently been winning the battles. The best way I can rationalise this all is as follows: I experience an increased feeling in worthlessness and sadness, and a further drop in my self-confidence when rejection is on the line. I have to work so hard to battle negative thoughts that come to mind when it takes some time to get a reply or something along those lines. However, these negative thoughts are very much a rarity and are continually fading which is a good start. For me, it is very infuriating when they come back, and despite my best efforts, manage to get one over me for a few days.

Despite this negativity, and in line with my new practice of finding silver linings, there have been positives this week. On Twitter, for example, I've had followers open up about issues in their lives, with another seeking advice on behalf of a friend who is struggling with mental health issues. It seems that this has carried over into Instagram: I have been fortunate enough to have followers open about mental health issues, as well as thanking me for the consistent positivity that I post. These small comments from people are what makes putting yourself in the spotlight worth it. The whole point of the posts and this blog is to help normalise mental health issues, which seems to be doing the job it set out to do. I do want to thank you all for your support and your trust; I will endeavour to continue to do that as it really does seem to be making a difference to people.

That's all for this mini update on my mental health diary. I'm currently working on a few pieces which include:

1. Mental health in sport;

2. Money and the impact this has on mental health;

3. Mental health issues in the LGBTQ+ community;

4. Challenging the stigma attached to mental health issues;

5. Self-acceptance;

6. Mental health issues in the workplace;

7. How I respond to panic attacks when at court.

Remember: you are a beautiful human being. You are loved. You matter. You have so much good that you can offer this world.

Until next time,

J x